Things have been going pretty well for me, lately. I haven’t posted so much introspective stuff on here recently because I’ve been busy going out and doing things and being active and living life, for a change, so that’s where a lot of my energy has been going.
As I feel capable of doing more, and build my confidence in my ability to independently go out and be a part of the world, the door suddenly opens to start fulfilling a plethora of needs that have gone unmet in my life for years. Most of them have been unmet for the vast majority of my life, really, with the exception of a brief interval in my late 20’s and early 30’s. The unexpected end of that interval, and the impact that had on me and the things I had to do to cope, created ripples and shockwaves that have profoundly shaped and changed the course of my life ever since.
What I’ve learned is that I have to be careful in how I go about meeting these needs, and not simply surrender to my enthusiasm at the idea that they can be fulfilled once again. Independence. Companionship. Accomplishment. Comfort. Confidence. Touch. Freedom. Security. Love. All wonderful, all healthy, all legitimately needed. But pursuing them too fixatedly will be self-defeating.
There’s a tricky balance I have to maintain, here, and the intensity with which these needs occupy my attention doesn’t make it easy for me to avoid unhealthy fixations and impulsive, premature attachments to goals, people and ideas that will respond to that overeager attachment by retreating from me. That’s the lesson I’ve been learning, with a lot of help from some incredibly wonderful people. Slowly, haltingly, I’m starting to get better at not screwing this stuff up right off the bat, as I learn to contain myself, somehow.
It’s not easy. And it takes practice. There’s a lot of emotion, a lot of passion, a lot of need, and just a lot of me to contain. But I’m getting there. And I’m very, very thankful for everything and everyone that’s helping me figure out how to live a happy, healthy, and fulfilled life. I have a lot of hope. I’m working on not getting carried away with it. And I’m getting there.
For now, my rate of progress feels like it’s finally good enough to satisfy my own standards. And that, in and of itself, is blissfully refreshing. That feeling meets enough of my needs to hold me over, for the moment, until I get better at fulfilling more and improving my ability to take care of myself. I believe that this is going to work.