The last few days, I seem to have been physically moving in more "autistic-looking" ways, spontaneously. Staggering gait, odd arm movements, flapping... when I'm alone in my apartment, pacing, working something out, and outdoors too, when I'm walking from place to place, making my way through the world.
I imagined it was because I was getting in closer touch with my autism, repressing it less. I thought it was because I had been sick, and anxious, and weak, and less able to repress my body's underlying natural way of moving. I feared it was because this is how I had learned that autistics behave by observing others, that I was subconsciously acting that way because I was trying to convince myself and the world that I really was autistic, that I wasn't faking.
The Universe is telling me that it's because I'm learning to move with it. To feel its flow, to cooperate, to get out of the way and dance with it, play along, follow its lead, and trust its divine will. I'm struggling less, accepting more, feeling for the rhythm, and matching it as best I can. Slowly, akwardly, but with increasing confidence and trust, I'm surrendering to the currents of life and flowing with them, letting them move me. I'm learning grace.
Shall we dance?