Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in The Indigo Wombat's LiveJournal:

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Friday, May 25th, 2012
12:15 pm	Behind the Curtain Sometimes, I think the issue isn't so much that we autistics have a deficit in our ability to communicate, but that neurotypicals, non-autisitics, are more successful at deluding themselves into thinking that communication is actually taking place, most of the time. Throughout humanity, from mind to mind, brain to brain, person to person, we have far less in common in our perspectives and ideas and worldviews than we generally imagine we do.  I found this article roughly a year ago or so, and it explains this point quite well.  Please take a few moments and check it out; it's worth the read, even if it does threaten to go pretty far off-topic toward the end. So, every mind, every brain, works differently, right?  It's likely that no two of us perceive the color red in quite the same way, just for example.  And that's talking about our shared experience of something that's supposedly a fairly immutable property of external, objective physical reality.  When it comes to things like our hopes and dreams, our ideals and standards, our values and beliefs, why in the world should we think we have a truly meaningful grasp of how the person next to us experiences reality? But from what I can determine, society doesn't really function unless we all play along with the idea that we're more or less talking about the same thing, that we all mean more or less the same thing by the words we use, by the concepts we invoke, even though the cultural and social contexts surrounding those concepts is experienced remarkably differently by each and every one of us. There's a good chance that by this point, you, the reader, might think I'm entirely full of bunk, that the fabric of our shared reality isn't nearly so tenuous as I represent it to be here.  Okay, then we disagree.  We aren't reaching agreement on a fundamental aspect of our relationship to each other and to external reality.  In that case, we're not likely to make a lot of sense to each other.  But as long as you're disagreeing with me anyway, let me be so bold as to put forward this radical idea.  We're not disagreeing just because I'm a crazy person who's ranting and speaking nonsense.  We're just jointly aware of our mutual continuing disagreement because I was so impertinent as to point it out, to call it to our attention.  My goodness, how rude of me! I hypothesize that humans have evolved the social behavior to not question each other's beliefs too closely, to not peer too intently at the underpinnings of our ideas, for fear of exposing the little rifts and mismatches between our worldviews, and casting the person we imagine to be "the same", "one of us", as actually a member of the dreaded class of "the other."  No, surely, the person sitting next to me in the church pew must be in complete agreement with me on our beliefs about abortion, about homosexuality, right?  How could it be otherwise?  We're members of the same congregation! And so we delude ourselves, and each other, into thinking we're sharing the same conversations, that we mean the same things by what we say.  We've evolved a set of behaviors designed to steer us away from the uncomfortable realization that we don't know the person next to us nearly as well as we think we do. Except that this doesn't work for everyone.  It's a matter of statistics, of averages.  This biological imperative for a shared social construct simply produces a set of behaviors that will allow most of us, most of the time, to get along reasonably well without experiencing the cognitive dissonance of realizing you don't mean the same things by the same words as the person you're talking to does. Some of us find that this mechanism doesn't work for us, however.  Maybe it's a difference in the neurological wiring that performs that function, that should help us know how to play along with everyone else in the delusion.  Or maybe it's simply a difference in perception and worldview that's outside the range of differences that this mechanism can accommodate.  But for whatever reason, this shared social construct, this fig leaf with which we conceal our unsightly bits from each other, doesn't really seem to do the job of providing us with adequate coverage for polite society.  We are autistic, and we are unseemly, and you're supposed to avert your eyes and not look too closely at those bits of us that awkwardly protrude from behind the fabric of our shared social customs. So where does that leave us?  From my perspective, that can leave us closer to a true understanding of the world than the average person out there.  We can be aware of this fantasy, this fig leaf, this delusion, and so understand one another at least a little better, even if it's a lot more work than just going along with the flow and allowing ourselves to believe that we're not really that different.  Some of us don't have it so easy.  Some of us don't have convenient access to that luxury.  But however much effort one option or the other might entail for us as an individual, we can try to pretend, and go along with it all, or we can disobey the Big Talking Head and Pay Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain. Guess what I'm doing?
Monday, May 21st, 2012
7:59 am	May I Have This Dance? The last few days, I seem to have been physically moving in more "autistic-looking" ways, spontaneously.  Staggering gait, odd arm movements, flapping... when I'm alone in my apartment, pacing, working something out, and outdoors too, when I'm walking from place to place, making my way through the world. I imagined it was because I was getting in closer touch with my autism, repressing it less.  I thought it was because I had been sick, and anxious, and weak, and less able to repress my body's underlying natural way of moving.  I feared it was because this is how I had learned that autistics behave by observing others, that I was subconsciously acting that way because I was trying to convince myself and the world that I really was autistic, that I wasn't faking. The Universe is telling me that it's because I'm learning to move with it.  To feel its flow, to cooperate, to get out of the way and dance with it, play along, follow its lead, and trust its divine will.  I'm struggling less, accepting more, feeling for the rhythm, and matching it as best I can.  Slowly, akwardly, but with increasing confidence and trust, I'm surrendering to the currents of life and flowing with them, letting them move me.  I'm learning grace. Shall we dance?
Saturday, May 12th, 2012
1:06 pm	Performing the Truth A few months back, I was trying to help a loved one through a rough day, and fumbling for some words that felt important for both of us to hear. "You see, the thing is," I ventured, finding the words as I went along, "because our brains are wired differently, we don't really naturally speak the same sort of language as most people.  The way we naturally express ourselves seems unnatural to others, so when we're struggling to find the words to convey our authentic truth, it can often sound fake to other people.  Either overblown, exaggerated and histrionic, or forced, hollow and insincere.  So right in the middle of that vulnerable, exposed moment, we can end up getting backlash from people who don't really speak the same language as us, because it looks to them like we're making a clumsy attempt to deceive them somehow. "And a lot of the time, what we're doing is trying to find a way to put our truth into words they can understand.  Trying to speak their language, as best we can, as best we understand it.  But intrinsically, neurologically, we're just not wired to speak their language, so it comes across as unnatural, because for us, it is unnatural.  And that's what people pick up on, and it triggers something in their heads that makes them think we're lying.  And they get offended, and we get hurt and traumatized by their reaction, and, well ... it all becomes a big mess. "Because the thing is, when you're just wired differently, like you and I are, we can't simply tell our truth to others directly ... we have to perform our truth.  And in this cynical day and age, people see that we're performing, and they assume it means we're lying.  But we're not.  We're just trying to communicate, fumbling through it as best we can, the only way we know how. "So when you feel like everyone thinks you're fake, or insincere, or lying, I want you to trust that you are being true to yourself, okay?  You're doing your best, and you're speaking your truth ... you just don't speak the same language as them, which is why you have to perform your truth.  So when it feels like people are trying to tell you that you're lying and fake, I want you to know that they're wrong about that, okay?  They just don't understand, because they don't have the frame of reference to get it.  Just know that I hear you, and I get it, and I understand, okay?" That message has stuck with me.  So often, in my desperate attempts to tell my story and be heard and explain the stuff that people wouldn't see, wouldn't know to look for, unless I pointed it out, I end up trying too hard, and looking like a buffoon and a charlatan, and falling flat on my face.  Or at least that's what my anxieties tell me I look like to others.  An attention-seeking glory-hound trying to leverage controversial headline issues for my own personal gain, going for shock value in an attempt to garner fame and notoriety. Well, okay.  How much truth is in that assessment?  I am trying to "perform."  I am trying to attract attention ... to ideas and issues and perspectives that I think need attention.  To stuff that I think people aren't paying enough attention to.  And if one of those things that I feel like people aren't paying enough attention to is me, well ... okay.  Maybe that can be okay.  Maybe that has some validity. I often get uncomfortable in large groups of people.  In a crowd, at a party, conversations swirling around me ... I can't process what's going on, can't make sense of all the auditory and visual input, and my understanding of my social surroundings slows to a crawl.  But put me on a stage, in front of a similarly large group of people ... put me in the spotlight ... and I can perform.  I can display.  I can focus on that single process, a more coherent and unified input/output stream.  And I can enjoy that kind of attention.  I can show off.  I can feel important and valued and seen and heard. Maybe that's okay.  If that's the one way I've found to be comfortable in a larger group, and I can learn to operate in that mode with enough skill and poise and provide enough entertainment value to my audience, then maybe I can accept that about myself.  Maybe I can go with that.  Maybe I can use that, use the joy I feel from being in the spotlight to motivate me, as I use the spotlight itself to draw attention to the issues and topics and ideas that I think are really important.  Those little quirks of my own unique perspective on the world that will go unseen and unknown in the wider world unless I speak up, because I'm the only one who sees the world from this particular, exact angle. That doesn't mean that my perspective is more important or more worthy of attention than anyone else's.  It just means that it's as important and worthy of attention as anyone else's.  And if my performance style of my particular brand of truth-telling makes it seem like I'm being more self-important than that ... well, okay.  I'll try to have fun with it, and model that part of my self-expression after Stephen Colbert's example, and simultaneously leverage and poke fun at our modern attention-seeking celebrity culture.  I can play the clown and make fun of myself.  I can use my nature, and the nature of our modern reality-show culture, to perform the truth, and get it out there, spread the word. So, I'm an incorrigible show-off.  It seems to work okay for me, when I can let myself accept and enjoy that part of myself.  And it seems to work okay for society at large, and for getting messages into the public dialogue, in this day and age.  So this could be an okay thing, or maybe even a positively good thing. And I can have fun with it.  Score!
Tuesday, April 10th, 2012
4:13 pm	All right, fine. I've gone ahead and done The Twitter and The Facebook things. I am now part of Modern Internet Society. (*shudder*) --Matt
Thursday, April 5th, 2012
11:34 pm	So, I was a bad Aspie because I didn't post anything here on Autism Awareness Day. Bad Matt! Ah well. I've been preoccupied with working on my own stuff. But better late than never. I've been meaning to write up my thoughts on the upcoming revisions for the DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition) as they pertain to the autistic spectum. Basically, the word is that Asperger's, PDD-NOS, and Autism will all be rolled up into one "Autistic Spectrum Disorder" diagnosis. I think this is accurate and appropriate. A widespread concern, which I share to some extent, is that the criteria for this new all-in-one diagnosis may be too strict, and that a number of people currently receiving treatment and/or services for Asperger's or PDD-NOS may not qualify for the revised diagnosis. But I've been reassured through discussions with my mental health providers and news articles I've read on the topic that existing beneficiaries aren't likely to be in serious danger of losing benefits they need. And my co-occurring mental health disorders, in and of themselves, are really the disabling conditions that I need assistive services to cope with. Which leads me to my conclusion on the matter. Like many Aspies, I consider my autistic spectrum condition to be an aspect of my individual diversity, akin to race, creed, gender, or sexual orientation. I do not consider it to be inherently a "disorder", in and of itself, and since I believe that, I ought to be willing to stand by that conviction and have my Asperger's officially considered as a condition that's not *inherently* disabling. However, it is well documented that Aspies and others on the autistic spectrum have a significantly higher risk of acquiring co-occurring conditions such as depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. Many of those currently diagnosed with full autism may suffer from learning disabilities as well. So I conclude that Autistic Spectrum Disorder ought to be included in the DSM-V with somewhat relaxed criteria, but considered to be not an inherent "disorder" in and of itself, but rather a broadly defined condition which puts a person at substantial risk for a large number of other disorders, and must be accurately diagnosed in order to treat such co-occurring disorders properly in the patient. I observe that diagnosis and treatment options for such co-occuring disorders must be considered through the lens of one's degree of severity of one's underlying autistic spectrum disorder, in order to be effective. A healthy, functional person on the autistic spectrum will appear and behave differently from a healthy, functional neurotypical person, and cope with life differently, and I believe that's as it should be. I believe codifying this outlook and approach could do much to improve outcomes for people on all parts of the spectrum, and provide a way to resolve much of the existing social controversy around autism and Asperger's diagnoses. I also think it's important to keep in mind that, since this is a *developmental* condition, it presents differently and should be diagnosed and treated differently at different developmental stages in a patient's life. Although early intervention is ideal, and there's understandably a lot of focus on catching and treating autism in childhood, it's important to take the age of the patient at the time of diagnosis into account, and not evaluate the function of adults by criteria that were designed to diagnose children. There are substantial differences even between how an autistic pre-schooler presents and how a teenager presents, across many variants of autism, so I think more attention needs to be paid to this factor. I don't know to what degree or how well such factors will be taken into account in the upcoming DSM-V, but I certainly hope it improves on the DSM-IV in this area. Glad I finally got around to writing up and posting my thoughts on that. It's been overdue for a while. --Matt
Wednesday, March 28th, 2012
10:40 am	I've been doing a lot of genealogy work on Ancestry.com over the past several months. Reconnecting with immediate and extended family, and connecting with further-extended family than I'd previously met. It's been good, and healing, and productive. My anxiety has gotten in the way sometimes, as I worry that others will be offended by the way I set up my family tree. But I'm doing my best to be respectful of everyone's history and ancestors, and I'm starting to not let it bother me to the point of paralysis. I'm learning that even when disagreements arise or my actions feel offensive to some -- which, let's face it, will happen often; that's simply a part of my life that is unlikely to go away anytime in the forseeable future -- I can still remind myself that my intentions are good, and I'm doing my best, and I'm trying to make my "best" better when that's not good enough, and all of that counts for something. That's what my friends and family have been trying to tell me lately, and I think finally, I'm starting to integrate that realization. I feel blessed to have these challenges and opportunities to grow, just as I'm blessed to have the friends and family and loved ones that I do. It'll be okay. And the part of me that's been afraid that that's not true has been finally, achingly slowly, starting to realize that. Thank you, Universe. Oh, right, I got off of my original intended topic. Hate it when that happens. I'll let it stand though; part of the point of this thing is to provide a window into my brain for those who want to peek. So, anyway, getting back to my intended point.... The 1940 census is being publicly released in 5 days. I got an email from Ancestry.com the other day offering me the opportunity to be a "1940 Ace". The main bulk of the email reads as follows: It’s the biggest thing to happen to family history in 72 years—the release of the 1940 U.S. Census. Ancestry.com is abuzz with plans for sharing, exploring and making discoveries in this incredible snapshot of your family’s lives. And we want you to play a starring role. That’s why we’d like to invite you to become an Ancestry.com 1940 Ace. This select group will be our 1940 census trailblazers, grabbing firsts, freebies and updates before anyone else—and sharing what they learn about the 1940 census with their friends, fans, family and other social channels. As an Ancestry.com 1940 Ace, you’ll get: * First-to-know information about the 1940 census and sneak peaks whenever possible * Group discussions with other Aces and Ancestry.com experts * Downloads and other collateral you can use and share * A special badge that identifies you as an Ancestry.com 1940 Ace * Giveaways and showcases for you to offer to your audience through your social media channels This seems pretty well tailored to appeal to the part of myself that feels the need to draw attention to things I enjoy, and (somewhat childishly) show off what skills and talents I have in my quest for recognition and respect for my uniqueness (which all really boils down to daddy issues). I'll probably go ahead and sign up for this thing, once I recharge my batteries a bit more. So there may be advertising-like stuff on here for Ancestry.com for a while. My apologies to those who it offends, and feel free to not read and/or unfriend if you don't want to be subjected to that, or to me. I get it, and it's okay. Not everyone will want to hear what I have to say, or like how I say it, and I'm learning to be okay with that. Thanks everyone. --Matt
Monday, March 26th, 2012
4:58 pm	Another Autism Article YES. THIS. My ability to function socially in physical environments is exactly inversely proportional to the amount of extraneous "noise" in that environment, whether that's visual, auditory, social information, emotional or cognitive complexity, or whatever. The more noise comes from all directions around me, the slower my information processing works. Sometimes I figure out the incoming information several seconds afterwards (especially with language processing; my mind figures out sentences a measurable time after they're spoken, if not enunciated well enough for me to make out over the noise), and sometimes I figure things out hours later (body language or social cues that most people would trivially pick up on the fly). I can process all these kinds of information to some degree, but not in real time. So I do a lot of pre-processing of anticipated "conversation pathways" for important social interactions, and a lot of post-processing afterwards, trying to consider what happened from all angles and see if there were interpretations I missed or information I lost out on. But if the info is all coming from one direction, like my computer, then it gets significantly easier to process with my hyperfocus capacity. I've been crystallizing my understanding of this particular bit of how my brain works, over a period of the last few months. Nice to read an article that seems to support this introspection. Again, for now I'm using LJ for links and essays, and would like to use my Formspring for interacting with and hanging out with folks. You don't have to have an account there to just ask me a question; I'd like to be able to explain "how I work" and "what's up with me" better, and publicly, and I think the best way for me to do so right now is to answer specific questions that people actually have about me, rather than just rambling on about whatever insight pops into my head at a specific time. Not sure I want to do what I'm doing here too often, if there isn't a call for it. I don't want to overload people with unsolicited information. I allowed myself an exception this time, because that article I just read spoke so directly to the work I've recently been doing. But I'm trying to figure out how to handle my online presence in a more socially acceptable way, promoting awareness of the causes, people and issues I care about without causing drama that feels excessive to most, and especially without doing more harm than good to those causes. I'm figuring this out as I go, but the last several days have really helped me work through my phobia about my online presence that I've had for the last few years, and that's a Good Thing. Sorry for my text walls. It's just how I write. I've been trying to work on it, but it's harder to control when something is very important to me. I'll try to do better. ---Matt
Sunday, March 25th, 2012
8:22 am	Couple of interesting articles I'd like to share. On the existence or non-existence of free will, and ramifications. On brain growth patterns in the prefrontal cortex of autistic people. Enjoy! --Matt
Saturday, March 24th, 2012
5:25 pm	Hi Hey guys! If you've got a couple minutes to kill right now, could you do me a solid and do the following things? Go take a quick look at Unsounded, and then go take a quick look at LFG. Which do you like better? Hint: the correct answer is "Unsounded". ;) If you agree with me, could you go here real quick and cast a vote for Unsounded in the tournament? It's highly unlikely to win at this stage, but I'd like to see a nice bump in the percentages today to raise awareness for a much-less-well-known but much-higher-quality work. :) In other news, I *really* suck at Not Creating Internet Drama. But y'all knew that, nothing new there. Went a little nuts trying to drum up votes in other venues, and pushed myself so hard that, combined with a highly interrupted sleep schedule and a small prescribed dosage change in my meds, I had my worst panic attack in like 5 years this morning. Like a 9-10, when I've managed to keep things pretty much in the 4-7 range the last few years. Had to go to the ER. Whoops! Much better now. I've gotten like 5 hours of sleep already today, which is a big improvement, and I'll likely be getting more soon. It's all good, don't worry. Just me being me. :) That is all! If you want to chat with me, come ask me stuff on Formspring! Turning off comments here; for now I think the LJ is for essays/shoutouts and Formspring is for interacting, for me. Later, all! Hope you're well! --Matt
Tuesday, March 20th, 2012
2:05 am	Hey there It's been a bit longer than I was hoping to take since my last post. The new mental health services are going pretty well, but I kind of wish I could see my main counselor more than once every two weeks. On the other hand, the rate at which I'm working out my stuff feels like it's probably pushing me hard enough, given my condition. It's just not as fast as I would like, so I haven't gotten a chance to really work with her on the issues that have been keeping me feeling blocked in my online interactions; other issues have taken priority, given the limited time available. I wish this was all going faster, but I guess it takes as long as it takes. In the meantime, rather than push myself too hard to get over my LJ baggage from a few years back and start posting here regularly right away, I've gone ahead and set up an account on Formspring; that feels like a way to get back into practice with more open online social interaction, in what feels like a more controlled environment, and a fresh start without the baggage of my past mistakes weighing on me. If you have or are interested in setting up a Formspring account, feel free to socialize with me there by asking me questions. Hopefully that'll help me break the ice and get past some of my stuff. Now to see if I can manage to get some decent sleep, here. (EDIT, 6:35 am: Apparently not. Hey, do me a favor? There's this webcomic tournament bracket thing that my favorite comic, Unsounded, is competing in. Could you click here, scroll down to just below the third tourney bracket ("Robinson Division"), and vote for Unsounded over Evil Inc.? It's an incredible online graphic novel by a talented author that deserves wider recognition. This is a great opportunity for it to get more widely noticed. You should really read it, especially if you're a fan of quality original fantasy stories. (Looking at you, RJ newsgroup crowd!) Check it out and give it some love. Sorry for the spammy nature of this edit, but hey, gotta do my part for the cause.) --Matt (Comment on this)
Monday, January 2nd, 2012
6:43 pm	Oh, hey, before I forget, I should pimp out this webcomic I found a while back, now that I'm posting again. Unsounded is an online graphic novel by one Ms. Ashley Cope, featuring an original fantasy-world setting, humorous and multidimensional characters, and rich, well-crafted world-building. Also, it has a loquacious spellcasting zombie in it. It's very good stuff. It updates at midnight ET on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, usually one page per update but occasionally with more, with breaks of a few weeks between each chapter so she can build up her page buffer. She just started chapter 5, so now is a decent time to check it out since it'll be a while before there's a long break again. Hope you like it; I think it's excellent. --Matt (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 1st, 2012
11:59 pm	Hi Okay, I'm about ready to start using this thing again. This is more of just a quick notice to that effect, rather than the start of truly regular posting. But I just realized I'm about ready, and seeing as how it's still the first day of the year for a few more minutes, it seemed appropriate to make a quick post about that now. It's possible I'll start posting regularly in a couple weeks or so, or even a couple days or so if I really feel moved to, but it's more likely to be a month or two before I start really returning to my online presence. Right now my priority is starting up with my new mental health services. Things have been stagnant, but are beginning to improve, and I'm ready to start making a concerted effort to turn things around and become a more active person again and participate in society, at least in some way. My goal is to be functional enough to move back to Davis, California, and reintegrate into my existing social network there, in 6 to 18 months. Thanks to all those who've given their thoughts, time, cares and prayers to me over the years. It's been appreciated more than I have the capacity to express. --Matt (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 10th, 2011
7:45 pm	Memo to Charlie Sheen, Moammar Gadhafi and anyone else undergoing or considering a very public, denial-fueled Meltdown of the Self: Despite your current faith in your own supremacy, omnipotence, untouchability, divine righteousness or what-have-you, you may reach a point at which you come to find that one or more of these underlying convictions that shape your worldview, and by which you justify your actions, happen to be false. At such time, my personal experience suggests that you may look back upon your current actions from this new perspective, and feel like a complete ass. Just FYI. (18 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 1st, 2009
12:03 am	I'm in a living situation that's as close to ideal for me, for the moment, as I believe I can get. It's helping, and it's working. I just hope it'll be enough to get me to where I need to be, by when I need to be there. Where I need to be is "independently functional and motivated", and when I need to be there is "by the time Travis is deployed in the Fall." The plan is for me to continue to live in Trav's apartment while he's overseas, but for even that to be workable, I'll have to be more independently functional than I am right now. If he were to leave tomorrow or next week, I wouldn't be functional enough to take care of myself alone here for that kind of long term. Fortunately I have several months to work on that. I hope that it's within my capacity to get there, and I hope I DO get there. But for now, my living environment is as close to perfect as I can reasonably hope for it to be, in terms of having available the support I need, on all levels, to make my needs met. I'm learning to feel safe, and to trust that I really am safe. That's a process, but it's coming along well, and it's a vital first step. No further steps are possible without that necessary foundation. I am sincerely grateful to Travis and Nicole, especially, for their continuing and substantial help with that first step. I have thanked them many times over, and I'll continue to. Travis, Nicole... you both rock, and I humbly thank you for being the caring and supportive family I need right now. I love you both. Some more steps will be required, over the next few months, before I can be functional enough for what lies ahead. I'm currently in the process of determining just what those steps might be. It seems I'm not quite far enough along in that process to articulate my progress here in LiveJournal, though I thought I might be when I started this post. But I had a good conversation with Travis tonight about it, and it's clear that I'm working on it, despite the fact that it would probably appear to almost everyone except Travis and Nicole and perhaps Kevin and my mother, that I'm just sitting on my ass doing nothing of consequence. I am in fact working on it, and that work is seen by those closest to me, and that's enough for now. For tonight, for this week, probably for this month. It won't always be enough, and that awareness is motivating me to keep up the work. But for now, for tonight, it's enough. I should be grateful for that. And I am. I just need to validate that feeling of gratitude to myself, and help it sink in. So I have done just that, by posting about it here. Mission accomplished. Onward. (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 23rd, 2009
2:20 am	Things are okay. Sometimes things are distinctly awesome. Sometimes things are distinctly NOT awesome. But overall, things are okay. A bulleted list to summarize the last couple months. I moved to Oak Harbor, WA, to live with Travis. I stopped overnight in Corvallis, OR on the way up and met Joel and Laura (polydad and kindredsgirl) I won quite a lot of money playing poker during my first week here Nicole (oneirus) came and spent a week up here with me I thoroughly enjoyed having Nicole here and spending my poker winnings on us during that week Nicole and I have determined that the labels "girlfriend and boyfriend" accurately apply to us This marks my first "official polyamorous relationship" (Nicole is poly, and lives with her poly boyfriend in Seattle) After coming down from the high of all of the above, I've returned to a more typical (for me, lately) state of relatively low functionality at the task of Life Despite this continued level of minimal functionality, there has been significant progress on my (still) long road to recovery I had a very difficult and emotional phone conversation with my father, and it seems that I may not be able to have much of a relationship with him for a while I have suffered anxiety about my ability to maintain social interactions with other people in general, specifically including here on LiveJournal I discovered that online poker is currently illegal in the state of Washington I visited Nicole in Seattle this last weekend, where we attended an enjoyable "Poly Potluck" event at the Center for a Sex-Positive Culture I had to sign an agreement in order to attend the above event, which included a confidentiality clause I am reevaluating my intended use of LiveJournal I am reevaluating my online poker activities I am reevaluating my Vow of Openness So, I'm in a state of some flux and indecision about where my life goes from here. Besides, you know, onward. I highly value openness and want to continue to be as open as I can. But "as open as I can" hasn't been "as open as I want to be" for quite some time now, which frustrates me endlessly, and perhaps setting such a high standard for myself is detrimental to my long-term personal and social functioning. Which royally sucks. I need to have a space for openness, and I want it to be here. I need a place where I can express myself in an uncensored fashion. And it's been seeming to me like I STILL have a few things to process about my last relationship, despite the fact that I'm quite sure that everybody, including me, wishes I could be done with that by now. I'll need someplace where I can do that. I might need it to be here. I don't know yet. So, there seems to be an overall theme here of conflict between what I can do, what I want to do, and what I need to do. I'm not sure yet how these conflicts will be resolved, in terms of what I WILL do. All I know is what I AM doing, and right now, that appears to be "posting on LiveJournal about this stuff." Then I'll see what happens next. Onward. (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, February 20th, 2009
9:51 am	I believe that things are going to be okay. I don't know yet exactly how things will get to "okay", or what the experience of the path will be like, but I believe that things will be okay. The source of this renewed belief is my interpretation of a hugely symbolic dream, involving big scary force-of-nature type stuff, and having fun with it, and later, a loveable and loving but powerful and incidentally-destructive-despite-himself honest-to-god Giant, who was invisible to a lot of people even when they could tell he was there. In the dream I learned to strengthen my belief in him and eventually to see him. After enjoying that for a bit, and enjoying the wild (and dangerous) ride of being in his presence, another giant, even bigger, dropped by to say hi, knocked over a few houses, and temporarily floored the first giant, who was as much bigger than him as the first giant was bigger than me. Most people were milling around not sure what to do, while our friend the giant was struggling and foundering a bit to regain his feet. I went over, held on to a bit of scaffold from a ruined structure, and reached down into the sandy hole in which he had fallen to give him a hand up. The extra leverage helped him get vertical again and free himself from the hole, and I stood there and held the knobbly-kneed giant (well, held his head or shoulder or something, whatever I could get my arms around as he stood in his hole) while he regained his bearings. Other concerned onlookers began to gather at that point and tentatively try to offer their own help, but I waved them off, as did the giant, as I told them he just needed a minute. That's when I was awakened by a call from the receptionist at my psychiatrist's office, returning my messages from last night and helping me get the medication I need. She just called back again while I was typing that last sentence, letting me know that everything's taken care of. In fact, my medication prescription is already refilled and waiting for me at the pharmacy, despite what the pharmacy staff told me when I called last night. Apparently they somehow got authorization to refill after all. That's the way things are with invisible giants, I guess. So, yeah, I'll be okay. More help is in motion and on the way while I regain my feet. I should have everything I need, now, to get me back to "okay" again. Onward. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 19th, 2009
9:12 pm	The aforementioned conversations with my core support network helped, and I should be fine for tonight. If I'm not, I know what to do and who to call. Kevin helped me work on getting the meds issue taken care of, and I should know more on that tomorrow morning. Just wanted to post an update so folks know what's going on. Distracting myself with TV and the like, and talking with Trav about TV stuff. Should be okay. Onward.
4:36 pm	So, yeah. Not doing so great lately. The anxiety attacks I was having before coming back, over feeling like I wouldn't be able to handle the necessary steps for the move, appear to have been justified, because it kinda seems like I can't. Plus, a lot of things, but mainly, I've been having some suicidal impulses over the past week, that go past ideation into the actual threatening range. I've now run out of meds and would need to make an appointment to refill them, which I think would probably take too long before things got bad again. So right now I'm putting the odds at over 50% that I'll be checking myself into a hospital of some kind within the next 24 hours, so I can get the level of immediate psychiatric help that I need. I'll give it a few hours to see how I do tonight, since I'm feeling fine at the moment, but the meds issue is probably the last straw. If I start to go to that place again, it's pretty much time to call it in and get myself hospitalized for my own safety, at least for a short time. I'm taking the unusual-for-me move of turning off comments to this post, because really, what is there to say? Plus, I don't want risk getting thrown into further imbalance from a botched social interaction about all of this. I'm in direct contact with my inner support circle, and I'll be calling them again right after I post this. I just felt like I could use the exercise of writing this out and speaking out about it publicly, and also felt a sense of responsibility to announce this and let people know where I'm at. So, please don't take the "no comments" thing personally; it's not you, it's me, and I'm doing it to protect both of us from the possibility of some random LJ thing touching off a spiral into worse. Because "worse" is really not a place I ought to be going from here. So it's time to take measures to make sure I don't get there. Onward.
Wednesday, February 4th, 2009
12:36 am	Made it home safe and sound. Enjoyed the flight. Security was a pain, because of my awkwardness and confusion and general unfamiliarity with the process, but eventually I was assertive enough to declare very clearly that I had no idea what I was doing to one of the security officers, and then I got the level of help that I needed to walk me through that process, which was a comic spectacle for all around, but I was able to take on that role readily enough. (It probably helped that I was feeling good from having snuggled with oneirus all day. Does wonders for the self-confidence and all that. Thanks sweetie.) The flight itself was a blast and I loved the takeoff and landing and the view and all that. Flying rocks. Now that I'm back here, I'm having a devil of a time getting to sleep. I think this apartment is just too strongly associated with the anxiety attacks for me, because the tremors and mind-racing and all that are keeping me from falling asleep in a way that's nothing like what I felt like during my three weeks up in Washington. I am SO ready to be done with this shit. The move is definitely the way to go, and I think that at this point I finally have enough functionality (and incentive) to execute that translocation. I love all my friends and family here, but it's very definitely time for a change. Now, to find activities to distract and occupy myself until I can't stay awake any longer. Welcome back, highly irregular sleep schedule. Enjoy your hold over me while you can, because I am SO blowing this popsicle stand and leaving you in the dust as quickly as I can. Onward, dammit. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, January 30th, 2009
10:08 am	So, been up here with Travis in Oak Harbor, WA for a while. It's been good, and relaxing. It's felt really good for me to be here. The first weekend up here we went down to Seattle to visit Kevin and oneirus. Kevin and oneirus and I hung out and went to the Space Needle and stuff like that while Trav went skydiving with some buddies nearby. So that was fun. Anyhow, my existence up here in some ways hasn't been that different, but being in a larger, more comfortable apartment, and having another person here every day who happens to be one of the two people in the world (the other being Kevin) who I feel like I can completely relax and be myself with and not feel socially pressured by has been an incredible difference for my health. During the day while he's at work, I've been playing some of his computer games usually, mostly Spore and Portal, both of which I've enjoyed immensely. The plan has been (since about after that first weekend, which was how long I required to formulate a plan at all), to fly back this coming Tuesday, Feb. 3rd. I've been seriously considering moving up here with him after that, staying in Davis for another month to settle my affairs then packing everything into a moving van and heading back up here to stay. It would be a good arrangement and I think it'd be healthier for me than my recent living arrangements, with a better environment to make progress toward long-term recovery of my functionality as a person. Yesterday and today, though, I woke up with some pretty severe anxiety attacks, that are taking a while to get through. I think they may be triggered by the looming reality of having to go back to Davis and the process of settling up my affairs there before transplanting myself to healthier soil. The social and logistical reality of dealing with those steps feels like more than I can handle as I get closer to it, although it seemed doable enough, on paper, when it wasn't hurtling toward me at the speed of realtime like this. Historically I've been good at short bursts of necessary activity to get to another preferred state of inactivity for a while. I should be a pro at moving by now. The anxiety disorder makes things different, though, apparently. The stress of moving to my studio apartment that I have now, when I was at the very height of my anxiety disorder, was probably lost in the haze of my anxiety over everything else in the world, and at the time I was getting a lot of steering and pushing toward that move from those around me. Anyway... yeah. This'll be different, and it should be doable, but for some reason it seems to be sparking much more anxiety than I realized. I think it's mostly the prospect of the social interactions required (with my landlady, doctors, etc.) to tie up my loose ends there before moving up, that are triggering the anxiety attacks. I also can't rule out the possiblity that some of the anxiety might be being triggered by the thought of the actual flight back itself. I haven't flown very much in my life, ever... only once that I can actually remember, about nine years ago... but I've always felt more wistfully excited about the idea of flying, not really ever afraid of it. Maybe it's the idea of dealing with the post-9/11 security and making sure my computer makes it with me okay and dealing with the crowds of people without having anyone there beside me to hold my hand. Anyway, the idea of being afraid of flying wasn't something I expected, but now that I write it out like above, it actually does make sense that the social environment that I'll be in for several hours would be one that doesn't feel good for me. Okay, so there's that, too. I guess the attacks make sense when that gets put together with the idea of the interactions around settling up my affairs in Davis. Okay, so, now I have a better idea of what the problem is, having written it out. Next step is doing something about it. Onward. (2 Comments |Comment on this)